How am I a different version for everyone and somehow still true to myself? How am I all of these shades and yet still me?

I’m a different person with my sister than I am with my boss, my partner, my best friend, the server, receptionist, my doctor, or even people with fame or power.

It’s still me, but I act differently with each person. How do I know which one is really me? Is it the one alone by herself? But somehow the distractions, the noises, still find their way through to her: noise from the TV, from social media, from the neighbor walking past on the phone, from phone notifications, and then the penetrating silence when all of this is gone, because silence is also a voice.

Who am I then?

I’ve been confined to my house for a few days now, and it is disturbingly quiet. I mean, I could put on the TV, watch reels on my phone, clean my house, cook. But when I am not doing any of that, the silence is deafening. I’ve realised I’d forgotten that the world could be quiet. Not only when I am asleep.

As quiet as silence can be, it can also be very loud. You have all these to-dos in a day and have to be at least 10 different people, depending on each interaction with anyone other than yourself. It’s no surprise, then, that we don’t know who we are when all the noise stops.

When it’s just you and the sound of the clock ticking, the silent hum of your heart in your eardrums, I guess my question really is: who are you when you don’t have to be anyone else or do anything? Who are you then?

I remember sitting down with my pen and journal years ago and letting my mind guide my hand and pen across a blank page, making scribbles that turn into words and then mean something. I remember being purely myself, in a little bubble that rendered the world quiet.

But now, even with all of that, I really don’t know who this is writing to you. I have a hard time making sense of that, because I have always been sure of who I am and how my voice sounds to you.

Maybe at those times I was right, or maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was able to drown out the noise and find my voice. Maybe I spoke through the noise anyway.

Whatever it was, I have lost it. I do not know who I am when I don’t have deadlines to meet, dishes to wash, company to keep, or opinions and hot takes to make.

I am just me, the girl who found her voice some time ago, protected it, hushed it, and let the noise of the world overcome it. The girl who thinks maybe that’s still okay, as long as I can welcome the silence as much as I did the noise.

Song of the moment- The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel