If there’s something I remember picking up from experience, it’s not to think highly of myself. One of my biggest lessons from childhood was responsibility, which led to an early onset of self-identity. As a child, I would get a few compliments and assume the persona immediately. If my teacher told me I was smart on Monday, then I will play smart throughout the week. If she were to call me talkative, just know I have something to talk about until something new replaces it.

So now, I can’t affirm where my current personality comes from, but I know it’s full of patches from childhood. Because I was able to easily swap identities, I started to feel special. Don’t judge me; I’m sure you did at some point too. This type of special meant that I was better than my peers, which was a lie; I was only good at pretending.

I carried this mentality for a while, then I went to boarding school. I was humbled. There were ten classrooms for each class, and each included 40 students. For each level, it’s you against 399 other people. Who’s going to tell you how to act? I realized two things; my mentality was flawed because of the size of my environment, and I wasn’t special, just different, like everyone else. 

Before attending a boarding house, I only had to compete with about 20–30 people at most. Whoever was in charge cared enough to give you feedback. Now that there was a larger size, no one gave me compliments to influence my actions. (You don’t want to be noticed in a boarding house; the attention will drain you.)

Second, if I really wanted to be special, I had to be great at something 399 people are not. Then I thought, Why should I work so hard? I gave up the personas and learned that everyone was special in their own way, not better than anyone else. The class size has grown larger since then; even now, billions of people want the same thing you and I do. 

After learning this, it became hard to accept compliments because I didn’t want to feel better than anyone. If you tell me 10 good things about myself and one bad thing, what will I focus on? Right, the bad one. Why do I believe that to be truer than the good things you told me? I thought about the reason and want to let you in on it.

I used to base my actions on people’s opinions, and then I didn’t. I started listening to me instead. That made everyone a liar; if anything you tell me does not align with what I tell myself, it is a lie, even if it is the truth. You cannot see beyond your standards or your self-constructed identity.

It has become hard to take compliments or constructive criticism simply because you do not believe them. I know people can be sly and manipulative. I know they will tell you things that are only in their own selfish interests. But if the story adds up, if a few people say you’re amazing, then you are. 

Maybe, by your standards, you’re not. It’s okay; you’ll get there. Just because you don’t believe it does not make it a lie.

Song of the moment – Flowers – by Lauren Spencer Smith. Have a beautiful week❤️ and thank you.🙏🏽