When you observe things about yourself, you add it to your attributes, then slowly you conclude it to be your character. If you become proud of it, you let your ego trip you and if it’s really that obvious, other people notice too. Eventually, it becomes your identity and ultimately an expectation.

You get mad at yourself for acting out of character, your excuse; that’s not who I am. It’s not just you who gets shocked, every other person who expected otherwise does too. But let’s go to the basics. As early as the age of four, you put a theory together about yourself, your likes and dislikes, preferences, favorite things to do, and the list goes on.

You continue on this journey throughout your lifetime. It’s a never-ending process, but here’s the interesting part—other people. Whatever theory you conclude about yourself is entirely yours. Even if you write an autobiography, each person will come to their opinion of you. That’s why some people like you, some don’t, and vice versa.

Because of this, there is a certain level of expectation, from you and from surrounding people. It’s like an invisible force driving actions and reactions. It’s what makes a calm person’s outburst so fascinating, no one expects it.

But here’s the thing about our judgements, they are not always correct. Not only that, they are subject to change with or without your control. So you can be wrong about yourself and others can be right or flip that.

Here’s a personal example of me being wrong about myself. I like to act tough, especially in public, straight face, ready to pounce stance and just hard guy vibes. The reason is my voice. I sound calm and innocent, like a child, and that does not equate maturity in my books. Being a proper adult comes with the voice, I think.

Slowly, I believed I was tough. I ignore someone one time and I go, yes! That’s what tough people do. This is where it gets hilarious. No one else believes that, no one. It’s like people notice I’m trying to act tough or I’m just not doing it right. Ten times out of ten, I am the person who gets asked for directions, the person everyone wants to make small talk with. The bus conductor, the other passenger, the cashier, the neighbor, the weird guy by the roadside, and I always think, “Can you not see do not approach on my forehead?” I guess not, because there is always something good about the morning when I walk by.

It’s so bad that when I notice someone approaching me or try to start a conversation, I pray they don’t. Today’s occurrence finally led me to a conclusion. On my way out of the church today, two teenage boys came to me to give towards their end of the year party. My first reaction was to look around and see If I had suddenly become the only person walking out of the church. But no, there were almost a hundred, so why me?

And yes, we have finally arrived at today’s point. Why me? Why you? Why are you the person always trusted with certain things when you really don’t want to be? Why are you the go-to person for advice when you haven’t figured out your life yet? Why does everyone notice when you walk into the room? Why are gatherings boring without you? Why  do they always trust you to lead? Why do others think you’re a good person but you’re struggling with self worth? Why does everyone want to hug you?

Sometimes, the truth we seek lies outside of ourselves. Outside your inclinations, perceptions, or habits, but within other people. In the things they see and you don’t.

I know you should not care what people think, but when you’re always the first person a stranger walks up to in a room full of people, maybe they are right.

You’re not tough, you look like home; you make others feel safe.

Song for the week – Die Hard – Kendrick Lamar, Blxst & Amanda Reifer